My Gym friend and I walked out of the Gym, to be welcomed by a slight drizzle and soft breeze. We got into the car, and rolled the windows down. Radio One was playing some catchy Bollywood song. I did not want to stop driving, it was just the kind of weather to make you wish to finish all your outdoors jobs. We wanted to basically gallivant.
This friend is one amazing woman. Can't believe she spent the whole of last year fighting for mobility and pain relief. Almost the whole of last year she spent walking in and out of hospitals. Regular, supervised exercises and lots of determination has totally cured her.
A good amount of her troubles were caused by the emotional stress caused by her unpredictable, short tempered, violent and abusive husband. She walked out of her marriage.Her husband is in the same city and their only child spends weekends with his dad.
At first I thought and assumed that she was 'hoping things will work out and they will get back together', we all love happy endings, and what other happy ending was possible? But I realised I was SO wrong! She was happy, she was really content ALONE. She does not want another man in her life.
She loves the freedom from unhappiness and physical pain. She lives with her mother, who dotes upon her (her father died many years ago). She enjoys her job, she enjoys her classical dancing classes, she has a busy life, a loving family, close friends and a determination to live her life. And to live it on her own terms. Seeing her so happy reinforces my belief that good, happy Singledom is as good as a Happy Marriage and a million times better than an abusive marriage.
Adding this link I found on Mad Momma's blog, it's about singledom.
Here's another link which talks about how singledom can be a fairy tale ending!
25 comments:
I know my parents would be shocked to hear me say this... and no reflection on my own marriage - but I agree a 100%. Why is preserving marriage at any cost considered the goal of our lives?
Good for your friend, she is a courageous and smart woman!
bottled emotional stress is the cause of major health probs..and a strong will power to live is all it takes to fight it and survive it..
it great yo know that your friend has found her happiness and freedom :)
Devaki And only when we see women who are living alone so happily do we realise this. But remember she is also financially secure. She has a job, she has her child's custody and support from family and friends.
Singledom is still a taboo in our society....... Devaki is bang on target when she asks "Why is preserving marriage at any cost considered the goal of our lives"?....... I guess pear pressure is also one of the reason why folks tend to get engaged with someone or other.......
Imp's Mom She needs to continue gymming to maintain her good health, so we meet very often, and I am realizing how much I admire her will power and self discipline. My one weakness:(
I have requested her to pester me to accompany her to the gym- whenever she goes.
Sachin Exactly! It's all about peer pressure. Parents call it 'society', community etc but they also give in to peer pressure, when they force their children, particularly girls, to live the way their Social circle (relatives, friends etc)feels they should.Just think how life would be if girls were not under this pressure to marry and stay married?!
IHM, apart from the social taboo, or the stigma of being alone... How do we explain the heartache when you separate from your loved one?
Devaki, I agree. How come it becomes the goal and axis of our existence to go on saving our marriages? To what extent can one go to save it? And why does the onus to save it mostly fall on the woman?
Absolutely. Which is why our first major life lesson for our children should be self-sufficiency. If you have a good partner, wonderful. If you don't, there's nothing to stop you from leading a rich and fulfilling life.
I'm glad your friend had the courage to break free and enhance her life.
And yet we have judges like this.
its amazing how u wrote a post on this subject. this is something i got a witness(fortunaately from a distance) just this monday and its been upsetting me ever since.
the same formula doesnt work for everyone. some ppl are truly happy being single. its anyday better than being in a abusive marriage. if u are single at least u are living life on ur terms n are not constantly under threat.
Manpreet Heart ache will heal, given a chance, life must not come to an end if a marriage turns sour. In India, until recently, AND ONLY FOR WOMEN life and happiness ended if a marriage did not work. It's heartwarming to see some women daring to live and smile again-with or without a husband. We as parents, friends, and citizens must support and encourage this.
Dipali Yes, without financial independence she would have had no choice!I have also seen social stigma melting away, more and more people are coming to realise that lives need not be sacrificed for a good public opinion.
Lekhni This is disappointing and very sad!An unhappy, violent, abusive marriage is a broken marriage anyway! What good would it do to a child to live with two unhappy, embittered adults? Such News makes me so angry!
Mandira You summed it up with : 'The same formula does not work for everybody.' And we can see it proved amongst our own social circle. Twenty years ago, women will live in hell but dare not walk out of their marriages, today thankfully, they have a choice.
IHM, what u have written about here..is what i went through for the three years I was married.
I like your friend was financially independent and thankfully didnt have children either...so after trying all i could ...I too walked out ...two years back.
The willpower needed was tremendous and my ears almost developed flaps to shut out the moral lectures i got from all and sundry.
But I am free now...and happy
Pinku You have no idea but women like you are bringing about a change (have already brought in upper middle class, urban society) in our thinking. Parents have realised that their daughters' lives are precious, and not to be sacrificed to outdated, patriarchal customs. I think smaller and Nuclear families also give parents the strength to support their daughters (With half a dozen children, one could accept that some children are happy, some are not)Since the whole families are not staying together, it's easier to take a decision without fearing the reactions of their peers.
But the biggest factor remains ECONOMIC INDEPENDENCE. Many, many women in the past generations have remained in unhappy marriages for economic reasons. And of course to 'fit in'.
Good for your friend! Hope someday I can say I am happy to be single, but I am too much of a person who needs emotional support. She has her mother who dotes on her...there are women around who have to actual battle everything. Does not mean you have to be in an abusive relationship -not at all! Kudos to your friend. :) Hope such people at least bring a change in thinking and more women have the guts to step out of abusive relationships.
Just to add, the Libran that I am; hope there aren't those women who cry abuse at the slightest of disagreements too....the tolerance level is definitely at an all time low in our generation. There should be a balance. :)
myheadtrip In India it takes a lot of courage for women to live alone, on their own. In an earlier post I have talked about one of the women I know, who lives without self respect, with the husband openly flaunting a relationship with another woman. He doesn't care if she lives with him or leaves him, but she feels she will not be happy without a husband. This post is about those women who chose freedom from all this humiliation, exploitation and abuse. If marriage was not such a finality, many Indian women would be happier. I am sure you see many, many women living unhappy lives because they do not have the courage to live on their own, We know they would rather tolerate life long abuse and even risk their lives but will stay with their pati parmeshwar. Such is our culture.
About those women who cry abuse and walk out of relationships, there is a chance theat they were not yet ready for commitment and relatinships. Economic independence and support from families can help women choose not to marry at all, unless it makes them happy. Only a happy woman will make a happy wife, and only if a woman really wants children should she have kids. When there is compulsion, you see unhappiness for all. And in India, you know, there is a lot of compulsion both for men and women. They don't even think there could be a choice. I think all of us deserve to be able to choose. Why suffer ourselves, make everybody close to us suffer?
"Singledom is as good as a Happy Marriage and a million times better than an abusive marriage."
That says it, doesn't it??
@Shail Yes :) I love your agreeing with these, sometimes politically incorrect, statements. With women like us around, the next generation of kids here are going to be fine!
I feel terrible when we use 'society' as an excuse to control individuals, as if unhappy individuals can ever make a happy society!
I read you reply to myhearttrip only now. And what a comment that is!! It says exactly what I feel.
"Marry only if it makes you happy... and only if a woman really wants children should she have kids" (I guess that goes for a man too.)
Marriage is not the be all and end all of life. It is something to be entered into only when two people expressly desire so (I am very passionate about this one), not at the behest of society or parents just because its been done that way since ages (oh yeah and aren't we still travelling in bullock carts??) along with all those other silly reasons like, 'I want to see those tiny legs before I close my eyes' refrains of grandmas and mothers!!! (IMH, my son goes rotflol when he hears this reason, and says tell them, they have already seen the tiny feet of their children and that's enough for now!!)
I also echo Devaki's question, "Why is preserving marriage at any cost considered the goal of our lives?" The 'any cost' costs really too much, mostly for women.
And hey I really am glad I found you!! You will not find much of these on my posts as I hardly write about them. But they are swirling in my head and only very few have heard them!!
IHM I read this post just now and simply loved it..thanks for sharing..
Manish Raj - Her life has been an eye opener of sorts for me :) ... we are all raised to believe there is only one way to be happy in life .. . that's so not true! Don't you think ?
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