Mr Bachchan can do no wrong :)

Nobody wants to hear a word against Bachchan Senior!

Proof Number One - The comments on my last post.

Proof Number Two -

This Feb Raj Thakre was busy stirring violence in peaceful Maharashtra, and I can never resist discussing politics with the voters who really matter. So drivers, maids, dhobi, mali all are interviewed seriously. (Answers in red)
Who did you vote for last time? Hum and haw
Do you think the politicians care about the farmers committing suicide in your village? No, they just want votes.
Do you know about Anna Hazare? Yes, our whole family admires him. (unko bahut maante hain)
And Teesta Setalvad? Saw her on the TV don't remember clearly.
About Domestic Violence Act? No. Never heard of it. Such laws can only be for the rich.
About RTI? Yes, but not thought of using it, don't know how to use it...
MNS? My maid seemed unsure. Hum Haw. He says he can get us jobs, but maar pitai (violence) is not good...Some more hum & haw.

Then one day something changed her mind. Guess what?

"Raj Thakre spoke against Amitabh Bachchan! They threw bottles in his house! Against Amitabh Bachchan!!! Woh to itna karta hai! All this is against the law. Anybody can work anywhere!"

Our Changing Times :)

Edited to add: Managed to add this impressive, inspiring video here, finally! Thanks to Aaarti:)

Some movies make me feel good. Very good. We were just going to sleep, I wanted a quick look at the News before sleeping, and Flightplan was going on on Star Movies. Jodie Foster looking for her daughter all over the Plane, and nobody remembers having seen the child on board. It's just another entertaining movie? Yes, but here it isn't a tough dad, but a brilliant mom, maybe an intelligent but an ordinary mom who's the hero.

And then the other day, 'Rang de basanti' was showing on some channel and there's this Air Force Officer Ajay (Madhwan) who has just introduced his fiancee to his mother, the girl, Soha Ali Khan touches the mother's feet and Madhwan teases her and asks her to touch his feet too, because he is her husband, her pati parmeshwar. That had my attention. Will she ? Won't she? And I smile with delight and relief when she mock-angrily chases him around the TV screen. Hindi movies have definitely evolved:) In old Hindi movies a girl and boy could only talk if they were soon to get married. Here you have a bunch of girls and boys who are just hanging out together. In 'Bunty aur Babli' Babli laments that she would have gone crazy if she had to make one more martbaan of pickle. What!!! An Indian girl admitting she has interests other than making pickles and papads for her family? But it isn't just women who benefit from being freed from stereo typecasting. Abhishek Bachchan cooking in Dhoom, and Hrithik Roshan frying an omelette in Kaho Na Pyaar Hai were more true of the modern Indian men than Rajesh Khanna raising his hand to hit his wife(Mumtaz I think), causing his mother to object, "No! Not in her condition! She cannot help me in housework only because she is going to give me a grandson". So it was acceptable if he beats her black and blue if she was not carrying their family's waris, and it was also acceptable to beat her into helping his mother.

Why I prefer Shahrukh Khan to Amitabh Bachchan...

I think Shahrukh Khan is the one brought these changes first...he spoke openly about how he fell in love with wife Gauri, how she wore a mini skirt and looked so good etc etc - Compare this to Amitabh Bachchan, a Police Officer telling Zeena Aman when she comes to complain about someone whistling at her, (was it in Lawaris?) and he asks her what else did she expect when she dressed like this. And she asks what's wrong with these clothes, he says "Bahut kum hain" (They aren't enough). Actors are role models for people, and Amitabh Bachchan and Rajesh Khanna contributed their bit to our gender bias . Well, so Shahrukh speaking of his wife with affection and respect made her the most envied wife in the country. Femina called her the woman with best 'karma'. Shahrukh Khan also fasted with Kajol on Karvachauth in DDLJ.

Unfortunately I rarely sit and watch a complete movie and never remember the names, but even I can see the movie scene changing.

Indian Advertisements have always been ahead of Indian cinema in showcasing social changes. There's this ad that goes "Car baree ho gayee, aur beti bhi!" Nice to see a Dad accepting a check for a bigger car from his daughter! Another one I like is the Frankfinn ad, where the girl is different...

Joint Family and Indian Daughters

This politically incorrect post is in response to Jottings and Musings's comment and question in response to my post on Uttam Dave's article - "I find the entire concept of a joint family strange and artificial and would never like to live in one. I think of marriage as two adults coming together to form a new home and family of their own, rather than a convenient arrangement for guys where the girl moves in and marries his entire family, so to speak!

As an older and wiser woman, I want to know your opinion IHM, is it strange or wrong to think like this?"

This will require a lot of tact jottingsnmusings...let me take a deep breath. Okay, in it's traditional form??? I think the Joint Family System, in its traditional form, is extremely convenient for boys'/sons' parents and grand parents. In India when we talk about taking care of aging parents it is assumed that it's the boys' parents.

Most young wives do not like it, because they are the ones with a lot of thankless (or conditional deification) responsibilities (including family honor) and not much authority!
For a young bride joint family means many eyes scrutinizing how she cooks her dal; is it time for her to provide the family with a grand son; the in-laws decide if they should find out whether the unborn is a girl or a much valued son, and what to do with it. And so on. What she eats, how she dresses, what time she wakes up (staying late in bed is frowned upon). Her children's diet, education, values are all discussed by the elders in the in-laws family. They also decide whether or not she works. And even if she is 'allowed' to work she must come home and help her MIL in the kitchen. Do they need a domestic help? Ask the MIL. A new dish washer? MIL decides. It does mean a loss of personal space and nearly no freedom for the DIL.

What about the DIL's husband? This system gets him the comfort of living with his 'biological parents' all his life! He can sleep till late, he never needs to enter the kitchen, he can come home and sprawl in front of the TV after a hard day's work, and be served hot tea and snacks by her. DIL generally cannot watch TV if MIL is working in the kitchen. The days menu is nearly always the in laws' decision.

His aging parents are cared for by the daughter in law, he has no worries. Her parents??? What about this girl's parents? Do our Indian family values include the care of a girl's parents in their old age?

No they don't. To the limit that even today, many DILs' parents do not even drink a glass of water at their daughter's married home (or her in laws' home). Or if they do eat there , they pay for it. Unbelievable but true. Most Indian parents can rightfully demand that their son looks after them, but if a daughter volunteers to do the same typical, traditional parents have inhibitions even today. But where does the girl even dream of volunteering for something so selfish. Her duties lie with her in-laws. I have heard women say, "I am good to my in laws, I am sure God will make my brother's wife nice to my parents."

They cannot even imagine that they can demand that they be 'allowed' to care for their own parents also. (Unless they are in Nuclear Families). It is not appreciated if she wants to think of, talk and or wish to maintain too much contact with her biological family. The biggest disadvantage of this is that she is not able to draw support from them in case of abuse. And there is a lot of abuse. Often leading to bride burning. Why is it accepted by the girl's parents? It is accepted because they believe their daughter's marriage is more important than her life. Most Indian parents do believe that a girl's honor and her marital status are very important. Divorce in such families is a dirty word, a dead or unhappy daughter is more acceptable.

Who made such a system?
Why aren't we changing it fast?
Aren't our skewed family values pushing us towards killing unborn baby girls?
Does it sound fair and good to you? Yes? Then why do so many young wives take their own lives? (Many times they are not living with the in laws but the pressure is there all the same.)

The boy faces no such harsh realities. He has a wife to take care of his parents, and his home and his children. He does not have to move in with strangers, and love them and obey them and be devoted to them. The best way jottingsandmusings to see if it is fair or not is to ask a boy's mother if she would be prepared to send her son to a girl's house and train him to live with the same honor and dignity as a girl does, will she teach him to consider them his own family, and put them before his biological parents. Will she teach him that he must take their permission before visiting her.

Now for some good, practical, Counsel for IN LAWS in joint families. Read it, it makes great sense.

Why Indians abort their unborn daughters.

Many bloggers have already written about this article ( I was very pleased to see how many of us don't take nonsense of this kind). Frankly this article and the basic values that it preaches are the root of all that is wrong with our culture.

There is absolutely NO TALK of mutual respect and give and take.

Let me share some of his wisdom with you, he accepts suspicion and mistrust as a way of life for the new bride. Uttam Dave says, 'Gossiping and being extra-talkative with your neighbours, maids, etc, often tends to be injurious to your relationships....' The girl is a fool, does not know what to say and to whom; makes the in-laws sound like control-freaks.

How is a new bride expected to respect and learn from a woman who he projects as a vamp who does not want her to develop a real relationship with her own pati parmeshwar? (Uttam Dave says: Love for your partner can often breed jealousy and malice towards your in-laws, especially if he’s close to his mother) Are all real Indian MILs so immature and vicious? Reminds you of Kahani Ghar ghar ki and K serials ? He actually recommends, Ekta Kapoor style scheming, meekness in the face of all injustice and total amnesia as far as your own (biological) family is concerned. He should have met my dad!

HERE'S WHY EDUCATED (but patriarchal) INDIANS ABORT THEIR UNBORN DAUGHTERS.

1. Son brings the power to rule over a girl from another family, in fact the power to rule over her entire family. A Daughter will cause heartache, knowing she is expected to live like this. Not to mention the dowry you have to arrange to give her THIS future. [Pray, Why not give her a good education and freedom instead??]

2. What happens to those enlightened families that did not use female foeticide to procure a male child? Shouldn’t their daughters be ‘allowed’ to take care of their 'biological' parents? If we follow Dave’s formula no Indian parents will want daughters. According to Uttam Dave it's okay if : Certain men never let in their wives into finance matters for the sheer mistrust that she will surreptitiously send money and gifts to her biological family members.
And what about these men's families? They are allowed to send money and gifts to their biological families?

3. Uttam Dave thinks we must accept without a murmur that, In the Indian context, the onus for overall adjustment in life always lies largely with the woman.

Why crimes against women are on increase. Men in such a scenario grow up believing that any woman who does not fit into this mould must be ‘asking for it’ or deserves to be shown no respect. When girls are given all the preaching on adjusting, there's never any talk of boys making any efforts to make a relationship work, then is it surprising that they start believing that it's their privilege and right?

4. Think of these men’s trauma when they meet competition from successful female colleagues who do not pander to their egos? No mamma/Uttam Dave’s Counseling to protect them in office? And female bosses!? Unlike their submissive wives, their colleagues don't think they have a 'Divine Right to have all women tread cautiously on their fragile male egos’.

5. Men also need to be brought up to be responsible adults, not like immature adolescents. Such a system does exactly the opposite. If they can treat women with respect in their office, and at school as kids, then they can be made to learn to play fair at home with their life-partners also. How do modern day husbands react to Uttam Dave’s advise?

6. This article makes an average joint family members appear so villainous, the article might scare away any genuine affection a girl does have for her in laws.

The Ekta Kapoor kind of autocratic patriarch ruled joint family system that Dave projects seems to rest on a sort of compromise that accepts injustice, inequality and IN-LAW dominance as its premise. Unless this changes, no bridal-counselling can save the Great Indian Joint Family System which excludes a girl’s family completely.

Some MUST READS :)

The doormat’s guide to a lasting marriage

Kahani Ghar Ghar ki

Unchahi - a voice against female genocide

Women have feelings too

Vintage Sexism in a new avatar

Driving on a rainy day :)

What an unexpectedly lovely day! Drove around the town running errands that could have been easily avoided. The rain puddles, constant drizzle, misting windows, and outside everything cleaner and greener....All the potholes, craters and ditches were overflowing, it must have rained most of the last night! The perfect kind of weather for long drives and hot samosas! No samosas were possible because of suspected-amebiasis so simply enjoyed the lovely day, drove though the puddles and city-road-craters. Generally I carry a camera wherever I go, today was one day when I really missed it. At one point I parked very close to a rain drenched Ashoka tree, the leaves fell all over the wind screen...and I didn’t have a camera! Then I remembered my cell phone camera, and took this picture...



A camera would have captured the Ashoka leaves brushing against the glass much better, but at least I have this.

After all the unimportant, avoidable errands were taken care for, I drove back home, and it was so disappointing to have to park! The final disappointment came when the car announced it was running on reserve fuel! And then it dawned upon me that, for the first time, I had driven enough to finish all that fuel!!!!Now I can safely say I HEART driving....come rain or high water:)

PS I know it isn’t nice to waste fuel, the thing is I am still learning, and need to practice.