Wednesday, August 27, 2008

ADOPTED CHILDREN I KNOW

When I mentioned the babies in an orphanage to a friend she wondered how adopting parents feel, do they love the biological children the same way they love/or would have loved their biological children? How do the children feel? Do they show curiosity about their biological parents?
How frankly can you ask how they feel?

What I do know is a friend has adopted both her children, a daughter and then a son. The daughter is amongst my favorite kids, the son is still rather young and since he's much younger than my kids, I haven't interacted much with him, but he is a typical baby of the family. They talk openly about adoption the children have visited many orphanages and are cool with being adopted.

Another acquaintance has adopted a daughter, she had a biological son. Didn't see much of them, but the parents were motivated to give home to a baby, and they did it!

Another couple with similar motivation had a biological daughter and they adopted a boy. I found out he was adopted in a Birthday party. A bunch of seven years old kids were discussing how each was born! One announced "I am a cesarean, my mother's stomach had to be cut to take me out!" Another said, "My umbilical chord was wrapped around my neck, I could have choked!!" Another said, "I was a normal delivery, when I was born I cried very loudly!" Wide eyes for a brief moment then all interest lost. Another one simply announced that he was born 'pure white and very cute'. Then they asked a child, who was adopted, how he was born, and he said "I did not come from my mother's tummy! I came from her heart." No reaction from the rest of the kids, they continued their proud stories...but I had tears in my eyes.

Another friend adopted a boy after years of unhappiness, trying to have a biological child. This boy is nine now, a precocious adorable child, he has performed a miracle for his family. Her only regret is she waited so long, but she says, maybe she was waiting for HIM to be born :) In this case I need not ask any questions, the child is her life. They do not like to talk openly about adoption.

I have seen all these children grow up to into regular kids -no different from biological children :)

I also know two adults who were adopted from within the families, in both cases lots of bitterness was caused because the biological mother never forgave anybody for having to give up her baby. (Can't blame her, I would have felt the same way, I wouldn't have given the baby up under any conditions though....). In another case the boy and his wife lives with his Uncle and Aunt (adopted parents), there is no great affection, he lives with this Uncle and Aunt, he does not call them his parents. They adopted him because they had no son, they have two successful, bright daughters, who will get nothing from their parents' or should it be, father's property!

Once a friend confided in me about being pressurized by her in-laws to give up her baby, (it was going to be a girl) to a close relative. She was told she should be grateful since this adoption would give her the opportunity to 'try' again for a boy! She was ashamed of being too selfish to make this sacrifice! I told her my favorite Pukar story. She told them she would not give up her child let her have ten daughters, she'd love them all. Finally the relative adopted a baby girl from an adoption agency and are very happy now.

14 comments:

Mampi said...

Beautiful, thanks for sharing it with us.
The birthday party story of the child who came from the heart took my own heart away. I admire the adoptive parents' way to tell a child that he/she is loved so much. I doubt if many parents with their own biological children can express it so wonderfully.

Pinku said...

since i was a child i have wanted to adopt a child. children on the streets, children growing up unloved in orphanages and we who can give them better lives instead choose to have our own babies just for the sake of the bloodline...all blood is red anyway, so why make such a big deal about it?

Thanks for sharing this, kudos to your friends who have adopted and given those children a new lease of life.

Check my blog if u can, there is something for you.

D said...

It's like asking whether Yashodha was more of Krishna's mother than Devaki. And I think the answer is 'yes'. A person's biological parents are important, but the parents who bring up the child are even more important.

Monika said...

"I did not come from my mother's tummy! I came from her heart. - how very touching... i had tears in my eyes reading it... I have always been a pro-adoption person... infact when we were planning for a baby i used to tell my husband that lets go and adapt rather can create my husband wanted to have a biological baby and now i have my adorable son but i am fairly sure i would have said the same if he was adopted too it the whole feeling of believing u are the parents and then loving the baby.... my husband and me have a pact that if we ever think of a second baby it has to be an adopted one

Nita said...

wonderful post, and thanks for sharing these experiences with us. I too have some of my own, but too long to narrate here. I worked in an adoption agency once...
what I feel is that when adoptions take place within relatives, there is bitterness. I know one case with reference to two sisters and one brother and sister. After a while, the initial generosity gives way to resentment and that is why I feel that even women who give up their babies willingly regret it later.
About kids turning out fine, I think so too, though I have read about some extreme cases. Now it is known that genes affect temperament to a large extent, and however loving the adoptive home is, if there is a trigger, the genes win out. There was a case of a couple adopting the kid of a serial killer...but then these cases are extreme.

my space said...

A very good friend of mine has adopted a girl from an orphanage.She`s now ten and adorable.She says the same thing..i am the chosen one,my Mamma chose me only cos I am very special..and the funny part ? They don`t broadcast this issue at all so a lot of people are unaware..they all insist that she is a spitting image of her dad--i was once one of them!!
And what warms our hearts is that this friends brother has a biological daughter and went ahead and adopted another from an orphange..if only we all had such loving hearts..

itchingtowrite said...

touching story. thanks for sharing

Mystic Margarita said...

Lovely story. Brought tears to my eyes.

R R said...

touching. thanks for sharing. :)

Kay Bratt said...

It's amazing what to the parents can be a long-drawn out explanation ---to a child is just put in simple, loving terms.

Awesome post.

Kay

Reflections said...

very relevant topic....
My uncle & aunt cdnt have their own baby, so they went ahead & adopted one. She is a charming 16yr old now & is aware she is adopted.
When she was around 10 yrs old somebody told her she was adopted & it hit very badly but her parents made her understand & she is now quite cool abt it.

Mama - Mia said...

:)

if only the process was simple. our close friends were trying to adopt for past 2 and a half years and the horror stories they have to tell are scary!

but the end result of whatever i have seen has been happy!! last week we finally got a mail announcing the arrival saying abbies are a wonderful way to start people! :D

another cousin of mine is adopted and knows about it and is titally in love with her mother and comfortable in her position.

i hope more and more kids get happy homes! :)

cheers!

abha

loving soul said...

i married my guy cause once the romantic relation was established and accepted and we satrted talking about marriage he asked me if i would like to adopt a child ... our plans about kids were exactly same... now in the early matrimony when i have to do what i planned this story comforted me in my worries... thanks a lot... :)

Indian Home Maker said...

@loving soul Adopted children are as much of a pain as biological ones :) My best wishes to you both.