(One of those 104 drafts.)
I am on my laptop, Daughter (17), is sprawled diagonally across the bed, finishing an school assignment. Son's practicing guitar in his room. Contentment is this.
Suddenly, "How do you know when you are really, reeally in love?"
I thought madam was studying!
"When the guy wants to see you as successful as your own parents do, because nobody can care for you like your own parents can."
"Maaaaa."
"Okay. But this is not a good time for love or even for minor crushes!! You have so much to do, you have seen how your friends waste their time, first celebrating, then crying, break ups, moping, making up or making out and they have no time to think of their future ... you get emotional about a guy at this age and at this crucial stage of your life and all your dreams will go kaput."
"That's why I think you just say you won't mind if I had a boyfriend! If I really had one, you won't like it. Now I know why they (her friends) don't tell their mothers."
(Feeling terribly guilty and wondering if what she says is true ...)
"Okay, being in love, really in love, would be a best friend cum crush, with maybe some chemistry thrown in?"
"Yeah, and someone who likes me the way I am, I shouldn't need to pretend ..."
"Meaning he gets to see how you keep your room? Okay, someone whose parents you like, someone who can come home, and walk into the kitchen and discuss my blog with me ? You saw 'Jaane tu ya jaane na' - that's a cool relationship."
She can see 'he' is not that kind. I am just not sure I have said the right things. Maybe my confused Indian values make me wish she'd stay away from any boy friends until she's settled with a good career ... we are fed with so much t, c & mv ( Traditions, Culture and Moral Values) that when a trusting heart wants you to be a friend you are not sure what to say.
SOME ADVISE PLEASE!
58 comments:
hmm..As a mother of a baby girl,even i ahve to anticipate these questions one day..I really don't know how to answer..The end point is to take them into trust and make them fele comfortable as to share any of their feelings or secrets with us,moms...That said,how can we expect my daughter to have feelings or love during teenage years..Yeah,i know its natural and hormonal changes etc etc .But how do i make sure that she is safe in this bad bad world ..Now then comes the qstn of what the heck do I mean by 'safe'..You know it ...I don't know,maybe in coming years i will become more responsible and will learn on these on my own...
Love is not wrong,but with people around us,i am afraid it is not right either...
Well, i was one of that category...no love till i can stand on my own legs....
NOw i feel that mentality was a mistake..well to me love happens..we dont go for it...it strikes you ..hmm
Love is just a state of mind na..
wow.....I am falling in 'love' with your way of expression.....:)
nice post....hope to keep coming back again and again.
You know what, IHM, just about 15 minutes ago, I was thinking about how my parents were never "friends" to me. All my questions got a few standard responses, "because we said so", "not everything has to be explained", "be quiet". And I hated it! I had questions, and I needed to find SOME answers...they could have answered me (I think you did a good job!), but they didn't and I was left to whatever assumptions my young mind could make at the time. I still feel the repurcussions sometimes :(
I absolutely loved the post! Straight from the heart! I can relate to your emotions as a mother of 2 young daughters.
yeah you are right. even when a mother's heart wants the daughter to follow her own heart, the morals traditions society everything holds her back from telling her precious child to be a free bird.
hey!!
u are behaving like my mom did...she would tell us the gol gappa walla had all sorts of skin diseases to keep us away..till the day nani told us about the time when Mom would have so many golgappas as a kid that she would have to skip meals.
Love, crushes and things of that sorts are all a part of growing up...let them enjoy. The thrills at fifteen cant be felt at 25.
Having said that will say that do ensure that they understand the implications of going too far and experimenting with too many things, whether it be sex, drugs, alcohol or a smoke.
Lovely post.I am blank. If my daughters ask me the same question, i dont know what i will say to them.
IHM, the whole point is you never know, when you do, fall!!! I know moms' and dads' always want the best but there kids have there own emotional worlds and experiences which shouldn't be judged harshly :)
my mother had said something similar...a boy who could approach her and have a decent conversation and I guess be ready to have his antecedents "checked out" and be open with his own family about seeing me...not many Pakistani boys who could do that when I was a teenager!! smart woman...keeping the ball in my court and all.
u sound like my mum..
ha am insight into a girl of my age...I would agree with people wasting time over relationships..In fact,i was surprised when a guy who has gone around with a lot of girls said that it took something our of him,when he went around with girls who didn't get emotionally attached...basically from a guys point of view,they seek a GF,mainly when they don't have anyone to talk...it is more to do with having no one to talk to..they want to have someone they can trust..the problem is,girls have ideas of mavericks(and nothing wrong in it) or achievers and 17,unless you acted in harry potter,you ain't have any money of your own...
For me personally I have "fallen" in love about twice..one was almost serious..but then I haven't got into going out etc,mainly coz,I can't stand brainless or fake people...all the girls who can understand me are my friends,mainly because,it is easier for them and me that way...in a "love" relationship and even when you have a crush on someone,one person tends to listen and the other does the talking..for eg,if i have a crush on a certain say Ms.N then when she says something,I would tend to let her have the upper hand,because i wouldn't want to loose her,but if she were my friend, I would add comments here and there....
as for the movie,I consider it as a very very big PJ..i just doesn't add up,mainly because,people end up getting confused..
And might be,you should just let your daughter do what she wants..I am pretty open with my parents and I know where to draw the line..
As for true love..I love her,I love her not :)
Ummmm I am a maverick. I would let her go for it and get it out of her system. Part of growing up. I am sure knowing the person you are - you have given her rock solid values and she will do nothing to shame you. One does have to have age-related experiences.
I wonder what I would say since I actually started seeing The Guy when I was 17!
Hey have been visiting ur blog for a while...don't remember if I have commented earlier..But this post is something I couldn't stop myself from commenting. I think its a classic catch 22 situation, for the Mom, for the daughter and for that thing called Love...but I agree 100% to what the mom said and relate to the dilemma that the teenager is in...my only comment will be - Mom knows the best...
It's a mother's natural instinct to say things that will 'protect' her little one from harm's way. When you are in more friend-like frame of mind and can quiet the mother-in-you for just a while, go to your daughter and tell her what she really needs to know.
It'll come...and you know it!
hey let her go with the flow... guide her but u know there is really no real time to fall in love ;-)
I always worry for my small niece who is 16 ....
But surely they are supposed to fall for guys at this age what else ....
Not just T C & MV but our protective instincts keep us on the edge !!!!
May god bless these lil gals...
Oh IHM, such a lovely post! I really really wonder what I am going to say when my daughter turns that age - If only she would remain little always :)
yes this is realy great to have this...
I am not there yet, and wonder when, I will be, what would I do. But as of now, my funda says,teach tehm teh right things, give them the proper core values, and then let them go out, make their own mistakes and learn, But always, just ALWAYS be there when they need you. It is possibly easier said than done, and I can quite imagine your consternation, when even now, i get very bothered with my 22 year old cousin's dating habits.
All the best, but do share your experience, might help some of us, who will have things like this to deal with in the future.
GREAT...............
Nice post, IHM.
Love's supposed to happen when it likes. It's tough to have a hold over one's feelings. But given today's times and the importance to be careful with one's decisions... I strongly believe in letting love happen at the right time... which could even be NOW :)
I liked the conversation you had with your daughter. I'd only urge you to be as friendly a mum as possible, especially with your daughter, especially till she falls in love and makes the right choice... which could even be NOW, whether you like it or not.
@ Nimmy I think this is an important part of growing up !She's too young for love of course ...but some pain and heart ache is unavoidable.
We can't stop them from feeling something, we can only stop them from telling us about it...
@Sunder I agree with you...
:)
@Sarsij Welcome and Thank You :) Look forward to seeing more of you :)
@aneri_masi Yeah it's like either we answer or their friends and peer group would!
They do need to talk about this someone, to reasonably shock proof, I would rather it was us, who care the most :)
:)
IHM, firstly who knows what age is too young or old for love?!
i fell in love with M when i was 19 and married him when i was 26! i know enough people who have married their childhood sweethearts or had serious relatioonships with them!
second, you CANNOT be just a friend! you are her mother afterall. and you have your own beliefs and values which are neither right or wrong! they are yours! :)
and kids are lot smarter than we would like think and mostly can take care of themsleves. esp if they have grown up in a balanced family like your or mine!
what is important is that she KNOWS that if anything ever happens or goes wrong, she can come to you without being afraid of being judged or having to hear "i told you so!".
so a little faith and a dollop of your mother's instinct, your daughter will excel at everything she does! including love! :)
multitasking ka zamaana hai! :)
hugs
abha
Uhh....speechless for once...:D....
I used to go 'maaaaa' too......
"When the guy wants to see you as successful as your own parents do, because nobody can care for you like your own parents can.'' masterstroke this one...:D
err...did you take lessons from ma's like mine?:)
friend/mother tough one to balance naa?Though I bet you are one supercool one..:)
@pr3rna Then you must read the poem I have linked, Usha Pisharody's poem, you will love it :)
@I am what I am - It's just not about following your heart or being a free bird, I am concerned that she might be too young. I will be very happy if she follows her heart and is happy :)
But career first.
@Pinku Yes ma'am I agree and exactly my thoughts.
@varunavi Crushes are a part of growing up, guide them well, and let them go :)
Like Pinku, Abha, Aneela say ... make sure you are always there for them.
@Chirag Wise words, and I agree :)
@Aneela Z I liked your mom's approach, I actually try to do the same :)
@Iya :) And you have turned out so well, so I am happy :)
I loved this post too! For all the reasons I wish I had a daughter :) You know about that one, don't you? :)
Actually, it's not just about daughters. It's about sons too, who have the same sort of questions :) Actually! Infact, one of mine declared a while ago, uh-oh... love! How do you know it's that ONE..? How do you know when it happens. It so happened to be a sort of rhetorical question, for, the next day he declared [again, lol] that Love wasnt for him... he's rather a miser, :) , and so he wouldn't want to spend so much money on calls or gifts or flowers... LOL! Boys!!!
I'd say you're doing great, and just keep on the way you are. Keep the communication channels open.. I like the way she said, I guess that is why her friends dont tell their mommas.. :D! I end up doing a lot of such talking to young students in the 9th and 10th that other teachers here, well and deeply into T, C and MVs.. so called, hesitate to, but would rather gossip about "pairs" they notice, in the staff room. I hate that! So when such kids come to me and say that they are being talked about, or when another teacher "requests" me to talk to talk to them, I sort of -almost always- take the kids' sides... perverse that I am. :) :) But at the same time, it is ensured that the child knows, esp the 16s and the 17s that while it is absolutely normal to feel a certain way, this is neither the time or place... since, as you put it so well, there are other important things to be done :)
Yesterday one of the young girls, who I have been "talking" to, came up very worried, because her parents had been called to school, to discuss her behaviour. Poor thing, she was rather lost. Had a long chat, and somehow managed to get her cheerful again, with an assurance that things can never be so bad that you cannot talk to your parents about it... :) Hopefully things will settle down thataway :)
You're a great mom, be assured of that!! As usual I have a lot of catching up to do...:) Been sick, then the modem became sick, got it alright just yesterday :)
See you later :)
@Vishesh Yeah I can imagine!
But you should not need to be the only one listening and the girl doing all the talking. Just be yourself. Actually a girl friend should be a friend and then more than a friend. But definitely a friend also and someone you are totally comfortable with.
@Phoenixritu I agree - totally. And also agree 'One does have to have age-related experiences.'
And I wasn't thinking of her shaming me :)
@D You have said something for me to keep in mind.
@Toonfactory You have commented once, but Welcome once again :)
I guess the best option with kids is always - One guides them well and lets them go.
@Mamma Mia Me A Mamma Thank You :)Yes, I am sure if we really look for solutions we do find them.
@Monika I agree ... hmm yes I do totally agree :)
@Hitchwriter Hey that's a very sweet and very wise comment ... thank you :)
@Smitha You will love her growing up, she will be your in-house friend and great company. Do read Usha Pisharody's poem I have linked above. These little brats grow up to maro all your eye liners and pretty trinkets and perfumes ... :)
@Goofy mamma 'give them the proper core values, and then let them go out, make their own mistakes and learn, But always, just ALWAYS be there when they need you.' Exactly my thoughts. thanks :)
And thank you so much for the linking it to a personal favourite too:) Honoured! Didn't notice it at the first read :)
For probably the first time IHM, I disagree. Love and work and not mutually exclusive- I got the same kind of "talking to" when I declared at a ripe old age that I wanted to marry K. "Do your PhD first".... and now I know I could not have survived some pressure without him.
Lovely post! :)
your response was very sensible... :)
I do agree that parents need to teach kids about what's right and what's wrong and also the existence of a very fine line between the two!
Communication is very important. That's when kids know that they can talk to their parents without feeling that something's wrong...
@Usha Pisharody I can imagine how popular a teacher you must be! My kids still hear about my fav teachers today :)
And yes it is definitely about boys also!
I sort of -almost always- take the kids' sides... perverse that I am. :) :) I am so proud of you!!! And I am sure if was a teacher I'd do the same!
It's so nice to see you again, glad you are feeling better now :)
Look forward to reading about your four legged babies too :)
You may enjoy this.
@ Alankrita You don't disagree at all. I also believe 'Love and work and not mutually exclusive'.
So there :)
My concern was more along the right things to say to her ...
@Pixie Let me quote from Abha's comment, "you CANNOT be just a friend! you are her mother afterall. and you have your own beliefs and values which are neither right or wrong! they are yours! :)
"kids are lot smarter than we would like think and mostly can take care of themselves. esp if they have grown up in a balanced family like your or mine!
what is important is that she KNOWS that if anything ever happens or goes wrong, she can come to you without being afraid of being judged or having to hear "i told you so!".
so a little faith and a dollop of your mother's instinct, your daughter will excel at everything she does! including love! :)
multitasking ka zamaana hai! :)"
@Abha I agree and brilliantly and very confidently put. if I had any doubts, I think this comment would have converted me!
@Indyeah Your mom's raised someone like you, so I'd be proud to have the same teacher :)
The balance is tricky ... then I guess ... -Here's a quote from Abha's comment above,'you CANNOT be just a friend! you are her mother after all. and you have your own beliefs and values which are neither right or wrong! they are yours! :)
"kids are lot smarter than we would like think and mostly can take care of themselves. esp if they have grown up in a balanced family like yours or mine!'
tell her its ok to explore, but not to let your feelings of them moment get the better of you.
tell her, its natural to feel that flutter for someone, that racy feeling...and even getting a feeling that this is it.
Fibally tell her, don't be in a hurry, because if this is it, it'll stay. And there's the rest of her life to live it with real love.
For now, other things like focussing on her career are very important...but its alright to feel somethign foe someone.
Just be parient enough to see how long it lasts!
I am a maverick. Period. :-) I think its quite cute, this 'falling in love' among the (to us) little ones. Its normal, its part of life and its no big deal like the traditional brigade or culture vultures would have us believe!
All I want to say is good luck! It's for you to trust your instincts and also trust your little girl (now not so little!) to do what she thinks is best........
Take care - hugs
Corinne
PS: I know you didn't ask for our advice - seems like none of us could resist giving you some though!
NO advice. I just wanna say this was one of the coolest blog conversations I have known.
I had a wonderful relationship with my mom. bestfrens kind and she raised bars so high for me that I would often reject prospective bfs(many a times cool guys i absolutely liked) coz I liked thinking from my ma-baba's pt of view. rejection list also include- would my parents gel with his parents.
also my mom said holding hands is all that you are allowed. and always tell me what you do so that i can save you when caught. I think that was cool.
such silly ramblings, I am sure dsnt make sense I guess.
You are a cool mom!
IHM, I have a long way to reach here but I understand. Each stage we are faced with a new challenge and this shall pass. I think you have tackled it well still she shouldn't be left with this feeling 'that's why my friends don't tell their mothers'. She should be able to come to you. Falling in and out of love is part of growing up. It's a wonderful feeling. Let her have that but at the same time you can sit with her and tell her that at this stage she can't afford to be more serious with boys because she has other priority in life.
You are such a wonderful woman so I am sure she will turn out to be one too as I believe 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree' :)
I am no expert and really this must be the worst time when I am writing this comment.But I really like your approach.The simplest she could connect to was Jaane tu ya jaane na and you so aptly and easily summed it up for her.Imbibing your view point and concern is the need and the mother that you are I am sure you will be there for her if (God forbids) she experiences heart ache.
Hhehe I totally resonated with aneri_masi's comment above - my parents were the same. Which is why I never told them about anything really important in my life - especially boys. When they did find out about my highschool crushes I was yelled at in such a way that made me feel like I had committed a mortal sin for finding someone attractive. Looking back it was an attempt to keep me focused on my studies - but still they could have handled it better :P
I actually met Evs when I was 18 and we have been married for a year now (after almost 8 years together) :D However, I personally believe that kids up until highschool - it's not love - it's more likely a combination of hormones, lust and peer pressure - therefore a crush. doesn't mean it's wrong but it I guess makes you more aware.
When you move to university/college - you move past that and have to start dealing with more of the real world beyond high school. With Evs - while I felt I was young, I was at university where I felt I was in a position to act more maturely. When my parents found out about him, they were more mellowed than I thought they would be (which would have saved me from sneaking around!! :P) and told me that if I liked someone, I should have just told them. They then met Evs (liked him) and while they didn't 'approve' as such of our dating they always knew we were more than just friends and had no problems with us going out places etc (but to be honest it did take a while).
So after this long winded comment - I say let her be, be open about it as it IS part of growing up. Totally agree with Abha - with that - you can't go wrong :)
Well, the dawter is too young as of now,but the future scaes me,none the less! But my son has already passed through one semi-rship which was put to a halt due to age and stage in life! It's reasonable,i'd think,as all this can be distracting for a very important phase in their life,that of shaping their future!
But,let me tell you...it hurts the mum inside as much as her child when you see how sad it makes them to let go...
I don't know :(
I feel this age makes us think so and we use the sentences like, "Liking me as it is" or "The way I am".
The word "I" is in fact a very huge term in itself, let the new-born-lovers find the meaning of "I" and when they find it, I don't think parents would need to do anything.
Hmmm I am more of the position of ur daughter and believe me what u said perfectly holds true....17 is not the age to judge a partner unless in exceptional conditions [like childhood best friends/grown up together]
To choose a friend thats a peak age, u get attached very much be it boy or girl, u feel u r forever friends and treat them equivalent to family!! That can very well be TRUE LOVE!! But guess what?? U can fall in love with many people in the world and all of those could be really true loves like, ur best friend, guide, parents etc.......but for chosing a life partner from ur friends lot - it takes time....firstly, u need to understand ur responsibilities and keep them, then only u can understand what u need from a partner....u need a lot more than just love! U need respect and faith....like they say in movies - "u feel u can face the world if he/she is with u!" ..
purani khiyalat ki ladki hoon shayad par this I believe is true!
and where did i get all this gnnan from? coz my best friend is my mom!and my best friends too think like me! am i not lucky? ;)
sorry for such a long comment didnt mean to give class but just told what i feel!
Loved your post, I am already cringing at thought how I will handle it when my 20-month -old daughter would turn 20 years. Today morning my mom was asking me to advise my 25-year-old younger brother that he should marry only in our caste (btw I am a south indian who mmaried a north guy)and he was saying "mom as long as I marry a girl you should be happy, atleast I am straight." Both of us were dumbfounded!!!
... just a smile that says thank you....:)
ah 17's too old to not have had a boyfriend!! :)) i agree with pinku.
I anticipate such a question from my daughter in few years time.Most important thing is not to be judgemental.Your argument 'this is not a good time for love' may not satisfy a loving heart/Brain.Teenagers are rebellious by nature and therefore a soft and open approach will work better.A friendly parentship is better than parently friendship.
On the contarary,I have seen few parents who will like to see very much their daughter having a lover,because otherwise an arranged marriage is not possible due to health disabilities.I have also advised many such patients [both guys and gals] to find a lover. [like Mr M in my last post in the blog malayalidoc]
I believe trust is the key. You need to trust yourself, as a mom. You need to trust the values you've taught her. You need to trust her to keep those values in mind. And you need to trust her to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Just try to make sure that the mistakes aren't life altering without making her feel stifled ;)..And let her know you trust her to make the right decision.
@Chandni Thanks!! Knowing so much about you and The Boy through your blog, I know you know what you are talking about, I truly value this advise.
@Shail I feel the same way !!! I was worried she shouldn't start forgetting about a future career ... but like Abha above said, "Multitasking ka zamana hai" I am cool with it :)
@Corrine Rodrigues No, no, I asked for advise and I truly appreciate your words. In fact I edited to add the last line in capitals because I was just so confused that my so called liberal and maverick ideas shouldn't end up confusing her!
@Spontaneous Mini Loved reading about your mom, the thing is if somebody is going to influence her and it had better be her own parents not some same age friends.
LOL This is what I fear - I don't want to influence her too much. I feel she should be safe and fine and focused but still have independent thinking, and I guess I am still not too happy with my handling of it ... when they mean so much to you you are just never sure.
Me still unsure and rambling too :)
@Solilo I agree with everything including, 'Falling in and out of love is part of growing up. It's a wonderful feeling.
@Moon's Muse Thank You :) But can we ever not have any heart ache? Nobody has no heartaches ... and nothing like talking abut it, hugs.
@Silvara Thank You! I agree with everything and reading about it makes me see that I wouldn't ever want her sneaking around because I don't want her unsafe more than anything else, so an attempt to protect shouldn't push her to un-safety. I think I would more than anything like to know where my kids are going even if I am not too pleased about where they are going ... will try to remember your words :)
@Indyana But the worst would be if they don't (or can't) really let go ... many of her friends were 'caught' scolded and they promised to end the relation ship but now either still like the person or are actually sneaking around (this scares me)...tough situation ...
@Tarun Goel LOL :) Yes, I will at least tell my two teenagers to think of this!
@Sahaja Your mom's a gem :) I agree '..like they say in movies - "u feel u can face the world if he/she is with u!" ..'
@sscribbles I am with your brother here, I think only thing that matters is the couple be happy, I have seen too many happy couples in mixed marriages to ever object to marriages between castes and even religion.
LOL ... and your brother answered very well :)
@Indyeah Just a smile that says Welcome Indyeah:)
@Roop I agree with both you and with Pinku :)
@Charakan I will take a look at that blog (Malayalidoc). And I think your daughter is very fortunate to have you as her dad, you are hereby granted the label of
JKG :) Truly proud to have you on my blog roll :)
@Free Spirit Thank You, I love these lines "And you need to trust her to make her own mistakes and learn from them. Just try to make sure that the mistakes aren't life altering without making her feel stifled ;)..And let her know you trust her to make the right decision."
Yes, I will always keep them in mind!!
Ma'm
I've made the mistake you want to protect your daughter from. I was younger than she was though, but at her age, it's better that she doesn't. I ruined my studies. And it was very, very, difficult to cope with later on. My mum too tried to sheild me from it, but i was too adamant i guess. Anyhow, love always brings tears. And that can play havoc with studies. I personally wouldn't make the same mistake again. I spent my days crying - didnt have energy left to study. I guess it'd be better if your daughter was with a guy after she made her career, that way, at least she's independent and has fulfilled one of the basic necessities of life- making an earning for herself. there's ample of time for guys, but a fixed number of years for studying, which will never come back.
Lovely post.
I was always shielded from guys, and talking to guys on the phone, or going out in a mixed group. I did not like it, and I do not think that that made me a better person in anyway.
I used to be irritated with the parents know best attitude ( in fact still do), I do not retaliate, but then I mentally switch off once the lecture starts.
I feel that its safer to be closer to your daughter and know everything what she is thinking rather than just telling her what not to do. I am not sure how many girls will not go on the love lines once they are more than 16 years old... as you said, its the hormones after all! :)
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