Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Regrets.

I saw my brother’s daughter when she was born, then moved to another place and saw only her videos and pictures, and heard her voice singing rhymes taught in school for the next EIGHT years. Occasionally I’d tell her stories of our dogs and our childhood. Plans were made to meet but something more important would always come up.

Nothing prepared me for the real meeting when it did happen. This March, I was sitting in a white covered ‘rajai’ at my mom’s place and my- daughter- at- eight entered the room, swinging a pink Barbie bag full of travelling pass times. Same pretty curls, saucer eyes and a huge smile. Did God run short of faces!?

Do you know who I am?” I ask.

I knowwww!” Twisting and tangling her skinny arms. She hopped on the bed, shoes and all, and snuggled onto my lap, curling into a tiniest baby-monkey. I hugged her tight, thinking I should have been able to see her at three, four, six, seven - this little lookalike of my daughter.

I know you are not crying. These are happy tears.

Yes, these are happy tears, do you know I love you very much?

I know. Soooo much.” Arms spreading wide, wide, wider, “Daddy told me.”

We have good Dads in this family. Only a good dad could raise this eight year old angel snuggled comfortably in the lap of a Bua she had never seen.

Another wonderful Dad never saw this moment he tried so hard to plan. He would have been 75 today. And his daughter met this granddaughter only on the day he died.

40 comments:

hitch writer said...

Busy lives in this era, we really dont always value relations....

Iya said...

Hugs :(

Chirag said...

Read it 5 time, All I can say is, Smile and Be Happy. He's always around.

myheadtrip said...

Aww! your niece sounds really cute :) I can relate to not meeting the kids..My bhaiyya is in Delhi with his kids. We hardly get to meet each other. I so wish the cousins could spend more time together and so on and so forth. As you said, I wish I saw my nephews every year at least. Weird we live in the same country yet don't meet once a year!!

Rakesh Vanamali said...

Very moving! 8 years is a very long time! Unfortunately, these days, work and other pre-occupations take so much of our time that we cannot connect to ourselves, let alone friends and family!

Pixie said...

Awww... how moving... it's the same with my cousins who stay in Australia...
*Hugs*

Anonymous said...

It's the same with my kids who are not able to meet there cousins in india.They see them and talk to them but not able to give them a hug

manju said...

Very touching post, IHM. How sad that your father was not here then. :(

magiceye said...

poignant

Ritu said...

This really warmed me up. Miles can simply not dilute ties of blood can they

Mama - Mia said...

beautifully poignant IHM.

isnt it crazy how often we do things that really matter? and then there are people who have it all and still throw it all because of their egos...

we are seeing one such thing happen and it breaks my heart about how much lovelier things can be...

hugs to you lady!

abha

Withering Willow said...

Your post is so honest and reflects your emotions of parting as well as uniting with a loved one. Bless you!

Indian Home Maker said...

@ Hitch writer - Or realise when it's too late ....

@ Iya Thanks :)

@ Chirag Yes :) And it's still tough to learn to say, 'he WAS' ...

@ Myheadtrip She is amazing, and the kids mixed like they have known each other forever, and all the time I was wishing they had.

@ Rakesh Vanamali We don't realise that some things have to be top priority, everything else can wait.

@ Pixie The most unbelievable is the familiarity with someone you have never met, and your own capability to feel so strongly for them.

@ Anonymous Yes. And they can be the best of friends, given a chance!

@ Manju That's a regret I have to live with. If he could have seen us all together ... just once.

@Magic eye And very, very sad.

@ Ritu I never was 'blood ties' kind, but this overwhelms me. Didn't realise how much power nieces and nephews have over us.

@ Abha Yes. I wish we could change this ...

Indian Home Maker said...

@ Withering Willow Thanks. If the uniting had been a little earlier, just days earlier, then parting would have been less sad.

The Quirky Indian said...

It's sad how we've managed to forget other important things in life....no one's saying that career and money aren't important, but other things are too. It's a tough balancing act, but a most rewarding one.

Quirky Indian
http://quirkyindian.wordpress.com

Vidooshak said...

You are so lucky!! You have a wonderful brother, a lovely niece and a very contented Dad up there somewhere. Hugs!

~nm said...

Awww..but glad it happened now. Better late than even more later :D

nimis540 said...

:(

Happens dear...I haven't seen many of my cousins since years..Life has its own twists and turns and I guess that unless purposefully intented,it is fine..Everybody is busy,some for no reason,some for many reason...but we should be able to keep up the warmth of relationship,whenever we meet..Thatz the main concern :)

dipali said...

Very very moving, IHM. Just caught up with your recent posts- all so meaningful.

sunder said...

Dont we Indians give more value to work and money then family...

Monika said...

that was so touching... it happens in todays fast world

jottingsnmusings said...

:( A very touching post.

@lankr1ta said...

I am so sorry IHM. I wish I could say time will lessen the pain- but it never does.

tearsndreams said...

Wow! 8 years is a really long time!!
Hope it has been different since.
(I don't know why my eyes were moist when I was done reading)

Charakan said...

8 years is really a long time. In this part of the country many familes conduct 'kudumba sangamam' [family get together] every year or every 2 years.On that week end all children and grand children from all over the world usually make it a point to come to their ancestral house. You should also try doing that.

J P Joshi said...

Really moving...and real life too. It is one of those moments when life gives you the pleasure of meeting someone, alongwith the pain of never meeting someone ever again. How does one balance the pleasure with the pain? Life is one series of questions, we keep looking for answers; sometimes we succeed and sometimes we don't.

Spontaneous Mini said...

WOW! I understand your emotions here. You have put your words beutifully.

I have been married for almost 3yrs now. My Brother and my husband met during our wedding for 2 days... the day of marriage and receptions.
This time during our India trip, my husband did not have the time to go to Delhi and my brother did not have the time to visit us in Kolkata. Thank God for small mercies atleast I was able to spend time with my brother and his wife whose wedding I was not able to attend.

homecooked said...

Aww....hugs! Atleast now you can make up for the lost time.

Jira said...

Aww....That was so sweet..And so wonderfully written IHM...I could 'get' how you felt...
Too cute :)

Another Kiran In NYC said...

I am so glad you finally got to meet her. The connection sequence initiated by your father was finally brought to fruitition. I am sure he would be happy to see you connect with your neice as seamlessly as you connect with your brother. Obviously, he did all the right things for the family.

Nita said...

This post made my eyes moist. Guess I am sucker for little baby girls. And you write really well!!

Pinku said...

IHM,

since he wasnt around for his birthday...he sent you this gift...

Hugs!!!

enjoy the good times.

preetischronicle said...

A very touching post indeed. I can see how wonderful you felt after seeing her. :)

Indian Home Maker said...

@ Quirky Indian Yes, and rewards that can take you aback. Atrocious siblings can make up for their atrociousness with adorable nieces and nephews.

@ Vidooshak This is the way to look at it, yes. You made me cry.

@nm yes, better late than more late!

@Nimmy Yes, so true.

@Diplai It's so good to see you here after such a long time, welcome back.

@Sunder We have always been too practical, we are wrong.

@Monika Yes, isn't that so sad ...

@jottingsnmusings A saddest possible, and also a happy post.

@@lankrita I know. This is a regret I have to live with.

@tearsndreams Making an effort ...

@Charakan Someone is always missing from these gatherings. It is very difficult to get everyone free at the same time ...sad.

@ JP Joshi Yes, you are right. An unbelievable loss, but also a lovable gain ...

@Spontaneous Mini Glad you made that effort and met. We really must.

@homecooked Yes,at least that can be done ...

@jira Thanks Jira. Felt bad, very bad. And still amazed at meeting someone it was so easy to love.

@Another Kiran in NYC Yes, but I wish he had seen this happen. It would have meant so much to him ...

@Nita I understand. I am also a sucker for little baby girls, Hugs.

@Pinku That's such a nice way of looking at it ...

@Preetischronicles Yes, she did make things so much better.

Smita said...

As someone said "guilt is better than regret" but life is such that we can not always control it...

So let it be & move ahead lady, you have her now....

Devil Incarnte said...

These days we are so busy with stuffs that we hardly see time to our close pals, its gonna b more than 2 yrs since i saw my grandpa, the only contact we hav is through phone where he gets pretty emotional nd i feel like going home 2 c him...... same goes most of the time for my parents also.. i used to wonder these days wt if phone was nt ther....

Mampi said...

Such a touching post, IHM.
And I remember what you had told us about your dad and your brother.
But I am real glad this little angel came and knew who she was meeting.
Your words made me cry...

Indian Home Maker said...

@Smita Yes, Guilt has hope, regrets are hopeless. Guilt is much better ...

@Devil Incarnate Phone and the internet connect us. I feel grateful to technology ... whatever else happens at least you are in touch.

@Mampi I deleted those posts, not deleted just dropped them in the drafts folder, because I think those were written at very emotional, unhappy moments ...
The angel is really an angel :)

Usha Pisharody said...

We have great dads in this family, you say.

Moved me. A very very touching post. Sometimes, life is like that . You can never get enough of it, and people telling you that Time's up, so let go and all... well they don't really know, it's never enough. Never. Of course, knowing that, and living with it, is another lesson in Life.

But the one thing you can be sure of, is that with that love, you will always have your dad with you. Always.

God Bless!

just like that said...

Your Dad would prob have had happy tears in his eyes too.. Hugs to you. I know how it feels when wonderful Dads move on..