Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Why Indians abort their unborn daughters.

Many bloggers have already written about this article ( I was very pleased to see how many of us don't take nonsense of this kind). Frankly this article and the basic values that it preaches are the root of all that is wrong with our culture.

There is absolutely NO TALK of mutual respect and give and take.

Let me share some of his wisdom with you, he accepts suspicion and mistrust as a way of life for the new bride. Uttam Dave says, 'Gossiping and being extra-talkative with your neighbours, maids, etc, often tends to be injurious to your relationships....' The girl is a fool, does not know what to say and to whom; makes the in-laws sound like control-freaks.

How is a new bride expected to respect and learn from a woman who he projects as a vamp who does not want her to develop a real relationship with her own pati parmeshwar? (Uttam Dave says: Love for your partner can often breed jealousy and malice towards your in-laws, especially if he’s close to his mother) Are all real Indian MILs so immature and vicious? Reminds you of Kahani Ghar ghar ki and K serials ? He actually recommends, Ekta Kapoor style scheming, meekness in the face of all injustice and total amnesia as far as your own (biological) family is concerned. He should have met my dad!


1. Son brings the power to rule over a girl from another family, in fact the power to rule over her entire family. A Daughter will cause heartache, knowing she is expected to live like this. Not to mention the dowry you have to arrange to give her THIS future. [Pray, Why not give her a good education and freedom instead??]

2. What happens to those enlightened families that did not use female foeticide to procure a male child? Shouldn’t their daughters be ‘allowed’ to take care of their 'biological' parents? If we follow Dave’s formula no Indian parents will want daughters. According to Uttam Dave it's okay if : Certain men never let in their wives into finance matters for the sheer mistrust that she will surreptitiously send money and gifts to her biological family members.
And what about these men's families? They are allowed to send money and gifts to their biological families?

3. Uttam Dave thinks we must accept without a murmur that, In the Indian context, the onus for overall adjustment in life always lies largely with the woman.

Why crimes against women are on increase. Men in such a scenario grow up believing that any woman who does not fit into this mould must be ‘asking for it’ or deserves to be shown no respect. When girls are given all the preaching on adjusting, there's never any talk of boys making any efforts to make a relationship work, then is it surprising that they start believing that it's their privilege and right?

4. Think of these men’s trauma when they meet competition from successful female colleagues who do not pander to their egos? No mamma/Uttam Dave’s Counseling to protect them in office? And female bosses!? Unlike their submissive wives, their colleagues don't think they have a 'Divine Right to have all women tread cautiously on their fragile male egos’.

5. Men also need to be brought up to be responsible adults, not like immature adolescents. Such a system does exactly the opposite. If they can treat women with respect in their office, and at school as kids, then they can be made to learn to play fair at home with their life-partners also. How do modern day husbands react to Uttam Dave’s advise?

6. This article makes an average joint family members appear so villainous, the article might scare away any genuine affection a girl does have for her in laws.

The Ekta Kapoor kind of autocratic patriarch ruled joint family system that Dave projects seems to rest on a sort of compromise that accepts injustice, inequality and IN-LAW dominance as its premise. Unless this changes, no bridal-counselling can save the Great Indian Joint Family System which excludes a girl’s family completely.


The doormat’s guide to a lasting marriage

Kahani Ghar Ghar ki

Unchahi - a voice against female genocide

Women have feelings too

Vintage Sexism in a new avatar


@lankr1ta said...

I wrote this

Indian Home Maker said...

@lankrita I edited and added your link too..now I am going to sit and read it.

Mampi said...

IHM, This so called Pre-marital counselling bit is appalling, disgusting and unacceptable. Thanks for bringing it to notice. And I extend my support to all the women who have written to the paper against it.
I have lived in a joint family for all my 12 years of marriage and I have loved every bit of it. Love them more than my own family. If I had come into their home with a notion that I have to "adjust," I would never have been able to do it. They helped me settle down. I'm proud of my ma-and pa-in law, for loving me unconditionally (yes I did forget my dad-law's medicine times, LOL) and of my mother- for never having counseled me on this issue. Both the sides just let me be as a human being.

Manasa said...

Ekta and her crappy "K" serials. I hate the way she portrays-Indian saas-bahu means fights??

Times have changed. Now-a-days, people don't pester for dowry anymore. There are many of my friends who have got good in-laws and they have been onsite alone for 6-8 months. Be it dress code or education or orthodox system, guys have become more supportive in all aspects.

Indian Home Maker said...

Mampi Of course there are wonderful in-laws too. Everybody needs some personal space and freedom and only then can harmony exist. How much sorrow will be caused to so many young girls if some in-laws (and even parents) started taking this as serious counseling? And there will be many of those too.
Do take a look at the links.

Indian Home Maker said...

Manasa How can an educated, independent girl (Ekta)create such trash? I think there are good and bad people everywhere, but Dave is saying it's okay to tell a girl to forget her parents, her own taste and preferences in food and clothing, it's fine to allow her no freedom and personal space. I know it does happen, I have seen it. But that does not make it right.
This generation is luckier than the last one, and definitely guys have become much more supportive.
The sweetest answer to this is the guys who fast with their wives on karvachauth:)

Nita said...

Thanks for linking my post and thanks for visiting my blog. I think men should write about this too though. I wonder why they don't!!

Imp's Mom said...

this man is crazy and the paper editor crazier and irresponsible for allowing such trash to be printed. I think they printed an apology along with the strong comments they received on the article the next day.

There are people who are influenced by what they read in the papers, if I had still been with my husband he would have shoved it to my face and said "see this is how you must behave, it is the accepted and the only way." He would have been so happy that his and his parents views which I called outdated and backward is being recommended to be followed.

I wonder what Mr Dave would say to the kind of a daughter in law I have been..since I never believed and refused to follow his pointers!

Indian Home Maker said...

Nita Welcome:)

Indian Home Maker said...

Imp's Mom That's exactly what I fear, people who'll take this as sensible advise ..there are many who believe this is the way for a girl to survive this system.
My advise is only one- First don't marry in such a family, and if you find yourself there GET OUT FAST. If only more girls and their parents refuse to accept this.

How do we know said...

this is sucha crappy article. Where did u get it from? That guy Uttam Dave.. i hope as hell he has no daughters. Or daughters in law.

Anonymous said...

I find the entire concept of a joint family strange and artificial. I think of marriage as two adults coming together to form a new family and home of their own, NOT as a convenient arrangement for the guy where his bride marries his entire family!

Please tell me IHM, am I crazy, is it wrong or strange to think like this?

Anonymous said...

Ooops, I think my comment got lost. Reposting!

I find the entire concept of a joint family strange and artificial and would never like to live in one. I think of marriage as two adults coming together to form a new home and family of their own, rather than a convenient arrangement for guys where the girl moves in and marries his entire family, so to speak!

As an older and wiser woman, I want to know your opinion IHM, is it strange or wrong to think like this?

the mad momma said...

thanks for linking me up IHM. now if only we could find a way to drive the point into the thick skulls of those who the article was aimed at...