DIL = Daughter in Law, MIL = Mother in Law
Dear Anonymous DIL,
Your comment was heart breaking. There's no telepathy needed, you get close to ANY Indian DIL living in a Joint Family, and she is dying to confide in someone about how unhappy she is, how she is frustrated with the way her husband behaves, how oppressive it is to be totally dominated by her in laws and her husband. It makes me both, angry and sad.
Many women say he changes when his parents are around. He becomes stiff, as if he feels guilty he is close to his wife! He can go out alone, no problem, but if he has to go with his wife, he must take permission.
It can be a stressful life for an average girl who wants an ordinary life - and things so many of us – and all Indian men, take for granted - some free time, a satisfying job, some friends, some recreation and most of all, some FREEDOM. Instead a lot the time and energy is spent in fuming over real and imagined insults, there are misunderstandings and resentments, competition, rivalry, jealousy, backbiting...and terrible frustration. All avoidable! Men cannot even imagine it because they never have to go through it. And their wives need not either, if they understand and support them.
What aggravates the trauma is that the girl has no scope to grow, to be creative or original because newer and better ways are totally condemned, anything can only be good if the elders have been doing it. Not a very healthy atmosphere, but we try to pass all this off as 'inculcating of family values' and 'samskars’.
Many daughters in this country are raised to be just good daughters in law, they grow up prepared for a tough life in a joint family, still it is unbearable for them!
When my daughter was born I was advised to drink FIFTEEN Kg of DESI GHEE! Thankfully I had the common sense (and good luck) to smile the advice away. I was also advised not to drink water to avoid gaining weight. I had faith in PREGNANCY by GORDON BOURNE which protected me from all such advice. Just a normal healthy diet was what I followed. In a joint family, this, which affected no one as much as me, would have offended many!
What does one do if one is trapped in such a situation?
Why not create an id and/or start a blog your husband does not know of? Yes, I am suggesting traditional Indian style deception, you know Krishna, Drona and Yudhishthir have used it. You DEFINITELY need a space of your own, if nothing else then just to rant. If you had an email address I could have emailed this reply! No body's family name and honor will come to any harm if you don't use you own name. And you will get to speak to like minded people! And frankly if a DIL speaks about her in laws, in India, it is nothing new or scandalous, I am yet to meet a girl who lives with her in laws and does not complain about it. WHY don't we see girls more than willing to live in joint families? Don’t we care how they feel at all? Why are so many of them complaining? There has to be something wrong with this system? When I was younger I thought they were being unaccommodating, selfish etc but over the years I realised that this system is totally wrong and it gives too much power to some humans over the lives of some other humans. And what kind of power! It is so outrageously unjust and the worst part is, this control is couched in 'sanskar'.
For those who disagree with me, try and imagine a boy doing what a girl is expected to do...obedience, sacrifice, going nowhere without permission, living under supervision and control, expected to forget your own parents, no independence - everything. Boys, can you live like that? I know I won’t wish it on an enemy.
Imagine, an adult is required to take permission to go and shop, to watch a movie, to cook a favourite dish, and WORST to meet her own parents/friends! A friend of mine, who is a doctor lived in a joint family for a while. She said everybody was nice, there was no criticism or nitpicking, "but when I go home after a tiring day, sometimes I just want to pick a Pizza on my way home, take a shower, wear a long, loose T shirt and flop on my bedroom floor, watching TV and eating Pizza." But this LUXURY she could not afford. Her husband who came back home with her everyday could though. She had to politely supervise the dinner, when he could say he did not want to be disturbed because he was tired. Doesn't it sound more a case of if it's MY child he is tired, if it's SOMEBODY ELSE'S child she is cranky! Her husband sometimes went out alone with friends, when she wanted to do that there was the same taking permission protocol. When she was offered a job in another city it was understood that she would refuse. She was needed at home, why else did the guy get married? But let's ask, WHY did this girl get married?
Why shouldn’t all young couples live in their own houses? I know many couples who are taking good care of the parents on both the sides, but they live in their own house with their young children.
Anonymous DIL, it is not right that he supervises your blogging. If he was fair about it, you could let him read it, maybe advice (not command) like an equal or a friend, but no more. This is just not right because you are not a child, you are an adult, and you have a need and a right to interact with the world. This supervision is control of the worst kind, because it is done so self righteously, using excuses like family honor, values and tradition. In India family values value everybody except the DIL. I am rambling because I feel so helpless! Why can't the rest of us see how wrong it is!
Anonymous DIL, have you tried talking about this to your husband? Your in laws are not alone, so actually whether you stay with them or not, will not really affect them, unless it becomes an ego issue. (Don’t let it become that!). And it will mean so much to you! After enjoying living alone here with you, is it not possible that your husband will realise that it's nice to have a home of your own? Do you show him how much you love living life like this? Maybe seeing how happy you are will make him see it isn't such a bad idea to live on your own? Convey this to him; let him know you do not want to live in a joint family again. Do you fear his reaction? Still do it.
If nothing else works TAKE UP A JOB. Getting out of the house for a few hours every day can be a huge break. You are qualified; don't waste your education over so called 'petty issues' which can actually cause a lot of pain. But what if the family does not allow you to work? I think this is one thing you will have to fight for. Put your foot down, find a job. And keep what you earn. Buy gifts, smile, be pleasant BUT keep your job and your money. I believe they will get used to it.
I hope you wipe your tears and realise that there is nothing wrong with your wanting some space, And decide to fight, I feel you can and will find positive solutions.
Hugz.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
This gave me goose bumps.
The best piece of music which touches reality.. Simply awesome..
pravimvimal (1 week ago)
Our country needs effort like this. Till when we will be suppressed by these selfish Leaders and Mafia Dons? We have a lot of strength if we are united. When will we understand this? Please my dear countrymen if we cannot do anything in the favour of our country then lets not do anything which hampers the progress of this great country. Lets get united and do our best. Watch our for India in the next 20 years. JAI HIND!Thursday, August 28, 2008
And the Oscar..err Brilliant Weblog Award goes to..
Thanks Mad Momma, Pinku, and Mandira for the Brilliant Weblog Award. I am honored!I have the opportunity to pass it on to other bloggers and I do that with great pleasure.
I give the Brilliant Weblog Award to some of my favorite bloggers (in random order).
1. Thought Room who writes the kind of post that always make me think ..and often re-think my thoughts :)
2. 1conoclast for his passion and his love for peace and justice, and his unbiased write ups.
I would have passed it to Chandni for her joie de vivre and her 'causes to champion' but she's already got it!
Roop who started a brilliant blog Unchahi, to create awareness about female foeticide has already received the award from Neeta; D too has also received it from Chandni.
Would have given it to Dipali and Manpreet (just checked they have received it from Mandira, along with me).
3. @lankrita for giving me the arguments I needed so badly to defend feminism, love her clarity of thought.
4. Unmana for her brilliant, brief and effective posts.
5. Imp's Mom for the way she expresses her love for her Imp and for her courage and convictions.
6. Nimmy for courageous and sensitive blogging about Islam.
7. Krishna Aradhi the not so Naive Indian. You'd never guess he is only 21 years old!
8. Kislay Chandra for his hard hitting, thought provoking write ups.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
ADOPTED CHILDREN I KNOW
When I mentioned the babies in an orphanage to a friend she wondered how adopting parents feel, do they love the biological children the same way they love/or would have loved their biological children? How do the children feel? Do they show curiosity about their biological parents?
How frankly can you ask how they feel?
What I do know is a friend has adopted both her children, a daughter and then a son. The daughter is amongst my favorite kids, the son is still rather young and since he's much younger than my kids, I haven't interacted much with him, but he is a typical baby of the family. They talk openly about adoption the children have visited many orphanages and are cool with being adopted.
Another acquaintance has adopted a daughter, she had a biological son. Didn't see much of them, but the parents were motivated to give home to a baby, and they did it!
Another couple with similar motivation had a biological daughter and they adopted a boy. I found out he was adopted in a Birthday party. A bunch of seven years old kids were discussing how each was born! One announced "I am a cesarean, my mother's stomach had to be cut to take me out!" Another said, "My umbilical chord was wrapped around my neck, I could have choked!!" Another said, "I was a normal delivery, when I was born I cried very loudly!" Wide eyes for a brief moment then all interest lost. Another one simply announced that he was born 'pure white and very cute'. Then they asked a child, who was adopted, how he was born, and he said "I did not come from my mother's tummy! I came from her heart." No reaction from the rest of the kids, they continued their proud stories...but I had tears in my eyes.
Another friend adopted a boy after years of unhappiness, trying to have a biological child. This boy is nine now, a precocious adorable child, he has performed a miracle for his family. Her only regret is she waited so long, but she says, maybe she was waiting for HIM to be born :) In this case I need not ask any questions, the child is her life. They do not like to talk openly about adoption.
I have seen all these children grow up to into regular kids -no different from biological children :)
I also know two adults who were adopted from within the families, in both cases lots of bitterness was caused because the biological mother never forgave anybody for having to give up her baby. (Can't blame her, I would have felt the same way, I wouldn't have given the baby up under any conditions though....). In another case the boy and his wife lives with his Uncle and Aunt (adopted parents), there is no great affection, he lives with this Uncle and Aunt, he does not call them his parents. They adopted him because they had no son, they have two successful, bright daughters, who will get nothing from their parents' or should it be, father's property!
Once a friend confided in me about being pressurized by her in-laws to give up her baby, (it was going to be a girl) to a close relative. She was told she should be grateful since this adoption would give her the opportunity to 'try' again for a boy! She was ashamed of being too selfish to make this sacrifice! I told her my favorite Pukar story. She told them she would not give up her child let her have ten daughters, she'd love them all. Finally the relative adopted a baby girl from an adoption agency and are very happy now.
How frankly can you ask how they feel?
What I do know is a friend has adopted both her children, a daughter and then a son. The daughter is amongst my favorite kids, the son is still rather young and since he's much younger than my kids, I haven't interacted much with him, but he is a typical baby of the family. They talk openly about adoption the children have visited many orphanages and are cool with being adopted.
Another acquaintance has adopted a daughter, she had a biological son. Didn't see much of them, but the parents were motivated to give home to a baby, and they did it!
Another couple with similar motivation had a biological daughter and they adopted a boy. I found out he was adopted in a Birthday party. A bunch of seven years old kids were discussing how each was born! One announced "I am a cesarean, my mother's stomach had to be cut to take me out!" Another said, "My umbilical chord was wrapped around my neck, I could have choked!!" Another said, "I was a normal delivery, when I was born I cried very loudly!" Wide eyes for a brief moment then all interest lost. Another one simply announced that he was born 'pure white and very cute'. Then they asked a child, who was adopted, how he was born, and he said "I did not come from my mother's tummy! I came from her heart." No reaction from the rest of the kids, they continued their proud stories...but I had tears in my eyes.
Another friend adopted a boy after years of unhappiness, trying to have a biological child. This boy is nine now, a precocious adorable child, he has performed a miracle for his family. Her only regret is she waited so long, but she says, maybe she was waiting for HIM to be born :) In this case I need not ask any questions, the child is her life. They do not like to talk openly about adoption.
I have seen all these children grow up to into regular kids -no different from biological children :)
I also know two adults who were adopted from within the families, in both cases lots of bitterness was caused because the biological mother never forgave anybody for having to give up her baby. (Can't blame her, I would have felt the same way, I wouldn't have given the baby up under any conditions though....). In another case the boy and his wife lives with his Uncle and Aunt (adopted parents), there is no great affection, he lives with this Uncle and Aunt, he does not call them his parents. They adopted him because they had no son, they have two successful, bright daughters, who will get nothing from their parents' or should it be, father's property!
Once a friend confided in me about being pressurized by her in-laws to give up her baby, (it was going to be a girl) to a close relative. She was told she should be grateful since this adoption would give her the opportunity to 'try' again for a boy! She was ashamed of being too selfish to make this sacrifice! I told her my favorite Pukar story. She told them she would not give up her child let her have ten daughters, she'd love them all. Finally the relative adopted a baby girl from an adoption agency and are very happy now.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Baby Girls in an Orphanage
We visited an orphanage recently and I saw this four and a half month old baby girl who has adactyly, she has missing digits in her right hand and right foot. her parents her left her there because of these missing fingers and toes. I tickled her chin and she smiled.
Most of the kids were three years and above. There were only two other infants, both girls. One baby was wrapped tightly in a sheet and gave my husband an angry frown, she was the youngest barely a month and a half old. The last one, the oldest I was told, was six months old, she lay in a dark corner in a cot and rocked herself, silently and expressionlessly. I wanted to spend some more time, stay and rock the one who rocked herself. Who left these little girls in care of strangers? We are visiting them again this Saturday. Is adactyly curable? Will this baby ever be able to use her right hand to write? What are the chances of her living a normal life? Can somebody tell me? She seemed alert otherwise.
I was glad these babies were being taken care of and terribly sad that this is all the care they were getting. No one to coo to them, no one constantly hovering over them, no one to come running if they cried, no one to rock and sing to them...
The Orphanage said we could sponsor a child if we wished to, and support her medical bills, milk, diapers etc if and until they are adopted. I can't get these babies out of my mind now. I wish I could bring at least one of them home to loving care, a family and a set of doting parents...
It seems once they are legally abandoned (given up by the mother, I think she needs to sign some papers) nearly all 'normal' babies do get adopted. They said there is a waiting list of parents looking to adopt babies. I am not convinced. If all babies get adopted why have they got so many older children, who look like they are three or four but are actually six or seven!
And why do we still have street children?
Edited to add:
ADOPTION PROCEDURE IN INDIA
Register with the agency.
Meet the Social Worker. Parents interact with the Social Worker individually also.
The Social Worker also visits your home. You may need your neighbors' references.
Some documents are required, your id proof, income proof, a medical report - all seem a sensible requirement in an attempt to ensure the children find stable and secure homes.
You pay the lawyer's fees (again makes sense) and sometimes the child's medical bills while in foster care or in the Orphanage.
Generally a few months wait is there, then you meet a baby, if you click you get to take the baby home but first one to three months you are legally only a 'foster parent'.
A social worker will come and meet you a few times during the first year.
Single mothers and even bachelors CAN adopt. For e.g. Sushmita Sen's daughter Rene Sen is an adopted child.
Older couples (45 and above) can adopt older children, 3-4 years old.
If you have a biological child, then if you have a daughter you can only adopt a boy baby, if you have a son you can only adopt a baby girl. It seems this was done to ensure that baby girls also find homes, most Indians want to adopt boys.
But why restrict those with daughters from adopting another girl?
I am not sure if these rules are followed very rigidly...
Some Adoption Stories - my next post.
Most of the kids were three years and above. There were only two other infants, both girls. One baby was wrapped tightly in a sheet and gave my husband an angry frown, she was the youngest barely a month and a half old. The last one, the oldest I was told, was six months old, she lay in a dark corner in a cot and rocked herself, silently and expressionlessly. I wanted to spend some more time, stay and rock the one who rocked herself. Who left these little girls in care of strangers? We are visiting them again this Saturday. Is adactyly curable? Will this baby ever be able to use her right hand to write? What are the chances of her living a normal life? Can somebody tell me? She seemed alert otherwise.
I was glad these babies were being taken care of and terribly sad that this is all the care they were getting. No one to coo to them, no one constantly hovering over them, no one to come running if they cried, no one to rock and sing to them...
The Orphanage said we could sponsor a child if we wished to, and support her medical bills, milk, diapers etc if and until they are adopted. I can't get these babies out of my mind now. I wish I could bring at least one of them home to loving care, a family and a set of doting parents...
It seems once they are legally abandoned (given up by the mother, I think she needs to sign some papers) nearly all 'normal' babies do get adopted. They said there is a waiting list of parents looking to adopt babies. I am not convinced. If all babies get adopted why have they got so many older children, who look like they are three or four but are actually six or seven!
And why do we still have street children?
Edited to add:
ADOPTION PROCEDURE IN INDIA
Register with the agency.
Meet the Social Worker. Parents interact with the Social Worker individually also.
The Social Worker also visits your home. You may need your neighbors' references.
Some documents are required, your id proof, income proof, a medical report - all seem a sensible requirement in an attempt to ensure the children find stable and secure homes.
You pay the lawyer's fees (again makes sense) and sometimes the child's medical bills while in foster care or in the Orphanage.
Generally a few months wait is there, then you meet a baby, if you click you get to take the baby home but first one to three months you are legally only a 'foster parent'.
A social worker will come and meet you a few times during the first year.
Single mothers and even bachelors CAN adopt. For e.g. Sushmita Sen's daughter Rene Sen is an adopted child.
Older couples (45 and above) can adopt older children, 3-4 years old.
If you have a biological child, then if you have a daughter you can only adopt a boy baby, if you have a son you can only adopt a baby girl. It seems this was done to ensure that baby girls also find homes, most Indians want to adopt boys.
But why restrict those with daughters from adopting another girl?
I am not sure if these rules are followed very rigidly...
Some Adoption Stories - my next post.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Pre-Nuptial Contracts in India
This wonderful news of two bold Muslim activists getting married in an unconventional ceremony did not make it to the front page of any Newspapers I read, but it made me very happy, and it has made history! "Besides, the nikahnama signed by the couple was also not the conventional one. It was drafted by Bhartiya Muslim Mahila Andolan, the NGO run by Naish Hasan, the bride. Why the new nikahnam? Because the conventional one had a male bias, Naish was quoted saying."
May I say hats off to the bridegroom, without whose support this would not have been possible :)
Three negative reactions:
1. There have been comments that it is a publicity stunt! I say, may there be many more such publicity stunts :)
2. 'Very surprisingly, the All India Muslim Women Personal Law Board president Shaista Amber has not welcomed the idea wholeheartedly. “Although women are known to have performed as Qazi and mufti in earlier times, it would be better if religious work is performed by men. Women can take over in the absence of men,” she said.' - What's wrong with this woman??? How is it better if religious work is performed by men? Hasn't History proved exactly the opposite!
3. 'The families of the bride and bridegroom had planned to have only women witnesses. But reportedly after the intervention of the woman member of All India Muslim Personal Law Board Begum Ikhtidar Ali Khan, a male witness was included.'
Why was a male witness essential? Sounds more like they wish it was them and not Naish Hasan who was getting the publicity. Very disappointing reactions.
I think one way to empower all Indian women is to make Pre-Nuptial Contracts legal, even mandatory.
I saw a grey haired, wrinkled, sparkling eyed Muslim woman from Lucknow, on TV ages ago, and she said something about Islamic weddings, that every Muslim parents and daughters should know (the ignorant and the illiterate don't, I guess) : The Nikah is a contract where a woman can insist on a clause that provides for her demanding a divorce without losing her 'meher'. She can add other clauses, like the husband would not remarry without first divorcing her, the husband will not have the right to pronounce triple talaq or that she would get the custody of their children if there is a divorce.
So we do not necessarily need a Universal Civil Code (which upsets a lot of people), we simply allow every Indian woman of every religion the right to have pre-nuptial contract.
Take a look at what Catherine Zeta Jones has done.
May I say hats off to the bridegroom, without whose support this would not have been possible :)
Three negative reactions:
1. There have been comments that it is a publicity stunt! I say, may there be many more such publicity stunts :)
2. 'Very surprisingly, the All India Muslim Women Personal Law Board president Shaista Amber has not welcomed the idea wholeheartedly. “Although women are known to have performed as Qazi and mufti in earlier times, it would be better if religious work is performed by men. Women can take over in the absence of men,” she said.' - What's wrong with this woman??? How is it better if religious work is performed by men? Hasn't History proved exactly the opposite!
3. 'The families of the bride and bridegroom had planned to have only women witnesses. But reportedly after the intervention of the woman member of All India Muslim Personal Law Board Begum Ikhtidar Ali Khan, a male witness was included.'
Why was a male witness essential? Sounds more like they wish it was them and not Naish Hasan who was getting the publicity. Very disappointing reactions.
I think one way to empower all Indian women is to make Pre-Nuptial Contracts legal, even mandatory.
I saw a grey haired, wrinkled, sparkling eyed Muslim woman from Lucknow, on TV ages ago, and she said something about Islamic weddings, that every Muslim parents and daughters should know (the ignorant and the illiterate don't, I guess) : The Nikah is a contract where a woman can insist on a clause that provides for her demanding a divorce without losing her 'meher'. She can add other clauses, like the husband would not remarry without first divorcing her, the husband will not have the right to pronounce triple talaq or that she would get the custody of their children if there is a divorce.
So we do not necessarily need a Universal Civil Code (which upsets a lot of people), we simply allow every Indian woman of every religion the right to have pre-nuptial contract.
Take a look at what Catherine Zeta Jones has done.
"Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones is rumored to have an infidelity clause in her prenup with Michael Douglas. Jones stands to pocket several million if Douglas is unfaithful. Since sleeping around isn't exactly rare in the acting world, this little clause would definitely motivate a fidelity doubletake."
And in UK...
Leading Islamic organisations and clerics in Britain have done much better. Hailed as the biggest change in Sharia law in Britain for 100 years, a married Muslim couple will now have equal rights. A husband will have to waive his right to polygamy, allowed under Islamic law, in the new contract which has been described as "revolutionary".
Quoting Samia Rehman: 'What better way to encourage social cohesion and tackle radicalisation than building families in a context of harmony and cooperation, where the rights of women are not only respected, but valued? Bringing up children in a positive, nurturing environment will do much to combat disaffection and alienation in future generations, and could help cut off the oxygen that fuels extremism.'
In India prenuptial contracts are not recognized by the law. 'One of the major objections to prenuptial contracts is the supposed sacred nature of Hindu marriage.' You can't get married while negotiating the terms of your divorce. But prenups are much more than divorce negotiations. I know many women helplessly hanging on to their marriages to straying husbands, in at least two cases the families and in one everybody knows that the husband is having an affair, but nobody can stop him. He does not want divorce, he wants the woman to sit at home and take care his parents while he has an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter! And this is not his first affair. Catherine Zeta Jones' prenuptial contract has a clause that would interest these women, and maybe deter such men. (Obviously all this applies to wives also).
Well, so prenuptial are not about divorce they are about ensuring that the marriage vows are not completely disregarded or forgotten. Violence, alcohol addiction, infidelity are all condemned, but as of now you can only condemn. Prenuptial agreements can be deterrents in such situations, if not then at least the Contract can ensure some relief for the suffering party!
Again we will need legislation about the kind of terms the Contracts are permitted. 'Divorce if no male child within first two years.' or 'Divorce if no promotion.' will probably not be acceptable :)
Edited to add : I just read and loved this heartbeaking article by Nimmy who talks about Muslim women being deprived of their rights...all in the name of religion. It made me so sad, because it is easy to accept injustice if you are not intelligent, but if you are a smart, thinking woman it must be so terrible......Do take a look.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
For our own good.
Watching NDTV report on 'Bangalore Bleeding' made me very angry. And also pleased me.
I am ALWAYS happy to see citizens waking up to their right to freedom. I hope they go to the court and win their freedom to dance, and if they please drink till the wee hours of morning.
I really don't see why we let our semi-literate, corrupt politicians to interfere in our personal lives. First there was this law in Mumbai, that stopped young people below 21 from drinking. I am totally against young people below 21 drinking, I wish there was no drinking or drugs or liquor production at all...(that's a different post) but I would never want a Police man/law/politician to make drinking by them a crime. And why 21? If they can vote, if girls can marry and have children before 21! Why give the government the authority to decide what's good or not good, for our children (and us).
Drunker Driving -they don't control.
Illicit Liquor sale near all slums, and resulting crimes by men of all ages they cannot control.
And then they go all out to implement archaic, long forgotten laws against young adults in clubs, pubs, restaurant and discos who drink in reasonably controlled and safe environment of these places. And my friend Anju who has two wonderful boys believes "it's for our good", otherwise "These boys will get spoiled! " So, I wonder - How many of us believe that BANS on drinking, smoking, cell phones (that's the limit) will help us raise better children?
(stopping smoking in all public places is a Non Smokers' right, and a different matter, I am only against the State trying to tell us what is good for us.)
Ban against the use of cell phones by children, in some parts of India, is another such attempt to tell us what's good for us. Both my kids carry mobiles (and I will have no peace if they didn't!). When they go for coaching classes, when they walk back home or are being driven home in school buses - I would like to know we can get in touch in any emergency (often created by the same, above mentioned politicians etc)....A government that does not manage to feed it's children is concerned about their falling grades due to use of mobiles!!!
I also feel a citizen's sexuality is not the State's business and was happy to see Gays and lesbians are fighting for their rights. and they have all my (however little) support.
Would you rather the Police and the Politicians controlled your children? And frankly, CAN they? If 21 year olds insist on drinking despite their parents' displeasure, do you think fear of the law is going to stop him/her? And would you like the Police to take action if your 21 old was caught drinking?
And who is this Police? How will you ensure it is not someone like Sunil More -the Policeman who raped a minor on Marine Drive? Or the bunch that investigated Aarushi's murder? Our Police Force has countless such samples.
I think our moral values are OUR business, not Constable Sunil More, Modi, Advani, Raj Thakre, Pappu Yadav or their likes. I know some of us believe these laws are good for us...
Bangalore does not !
All the best to them :)
I am ALWAYS happy to see citizens waking up to their right to freedom. I hope they go to the court and win their freedom to dance, and if they please drink till the wee hours of morning.
I really don't see why we let our semi-literate, corrupt politicians to interfere in our personal lives. First there was this law in Mumbai, that stopped young people below 21 from drinking. I am totally against young people below 21 drinking, I wish there was no drinking or drugs or liquor production at all...(that's a different post) but I would never want a Police man/law/politician to make drinking by them a crime. And why 21? If they can vote, if girls can marry and have children before 21! Why give the government the authority to decide what's good or not good, for our children (and us).
Drunker Driving -they don't control.
Illicit Liquor sale near all slums, and resulting crimes by men of all ages they cannot control.
And then they go all out to implement archaic, long forgotten laws against young adults in clubs, pubs, restaurant and discos who drink in reasonably controlled and safe environment of these places. And my friend Anju who has two wonderful boys believes "it's for our good", otherwise "These boys will get spoiled! " So, I wonder - How many of us believe that BANS on drinking, smoking, cell phones (that's the limit) will help us raise better children?
(stopping smoking in all public places is a Non Smokers' right, and a different matter, I am only against the State trying to tell us what is good for us.)
Ban against the use of cell phones by children, in some parts of India, is another such attempt to tell us what's good for us. Both my kids carry mobiles (and I will have no peace if they didn't!). When they go for coaching classes, when they walk back home or are being driven home in school buses - I would like to know we can get in touch in any emergency (often created by the same, above mentioned politicians etc)....A government that does not manage to feed it's children is concerned about their falling grades due to use of mobiles!!!
I also feel a citizen's sexuality is not the State's business and was happy to see Gays and lesbians are fighting for their rights. and they have all my (however little) support.
Would you rather the Police and the Politicians controlled your children? And frankly, CAN they? If 21 year olds insist on drinking despite their parents' displeasure, do you think fear of the law is going to stop him/her? And would you like the Police to take action if your 21 old was caught drinking?
And who is this Police? How will you ensure it is not someone like Sunil More -the Policeman who raped a minor on Marine Drive? Or the bunch that investigated Aarushi's murder? Our Police Force has countless such samples.
I think our moral values are OUR business, not Constable Sunil More, Modi, Advani, Raj Thakre, Pappu Yadav or their likes. I know some of us believe these laws are good for us...
Bangalore does not !
All the best to them :)
Saturday, August 2, 2008
How much do you pay your Domestic Helpers?
My new maid who made excellent chappaties, choppedvegetables, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen every morning, asked to borrow two thousand rupees to repair her roof for monsoons. I agreed and she said she would return the money by fifteenth of next month. No problem, I said. The next day she said she requires some more money, another one thousand, for some unexpected expenses, while repairing the roof. Now, in all I was paying her,
Rs 250 For making ten chappaties every morning
Rs 200 For doing morning dishes (she can't come twice)
Rs 100 For watering the plants and hanging up the clothes from the washing machine, other odd jobs
Rs 200 For chopping, grating, peeling daily vegetables
Total Rs 750/-
How was she going to return three thousand one hundred rupees? Her husband has no regular job. She had just started working for me a month back. But monsoons were approaching and it was obvious that she really did need the money...and I just felt that she was not one of the oversmart maids we occassionally come across.
She took a few days off to help the hired labourers repair her roof, and came back beaming in early June. We had no rains this year but she has been asking me to come see her house atleast once. The money definitely was used for a very good cause. I thought, ...why not let her keep it? But I did not want her to think she could borrow from me and I will let her keep it. So finally I asked her if she would like to start cooking our lunch for us. She was delighted. I showed her how simple our afternoon meals were - very little oil, not much frying, no spices...she understood. So now I have a delightful, greatful cook :) For cooking (once a day), the going rate here is Rupees 1000/- She can repay me in three months! And I am realising it's nice to have someone cook for you sometimes...but sometimes I wonder if our maids aren't underpaid....
I wonder how the maids are paid in other places. How much do you pay for jhadoo-katka/jhadu-poncha? How much for doing the dishes? And how much for live-in help? Are boys paid more than girls? Recently my maids said they want to be paid four hundred rupees per job. What do other bloggers think?? Do you get someone for ironing? (We pay 300/- for ironing around ten articles a day).
Edited to add:
Drivers are paid between Rs.3000/- to 6500/- depending on experience.
Car Cleaners Rs 200 to 500 depending on the size of the car.
Mali (gardener) I pay Rs. 100/- for Sunday visits to trim, turn the soil etc
Jhadu-Poncha Rs. 300/- 400/-
Bathrooms Rs. 50/- to 100/- per bathroom
Dusting Rs. 200/- 300/-
Live in maids Rs 3000/- and above.
Rs 250 For making ten chappaties every morning
Rs 200 For doing morning dishes (she can't come twice)
Rs 100 For watering the plants and hanging up the clothes from the washing machine, other odd jobs
Rs 200 For chopping, grating, peeling daily vegetables
Total Rs 750/-
How was she going to return three thousand one hundred rupees? Her husband has no regular job. She had just started working for me a month back. But monsoons were approaching and it was obvious that she really did need the money...and I just felt that she was not one of the oversmart maids we occassionally come across.
She took a few days off to help the hired labourers repair her roof, and came back beaming in early June. We had no rains this year but she has been asking me to come see her house atleast once. The money definitely was used for a very good cause. I thought, ...why not let her keep it? But I did not want her to think she could borrow from me and I will let her keep it. So finally I asked her if she would like to start cooking our lunch for us. She was delighted. I showed her how simple our afternoon meals were - very little oil, not much frying, no spices...she understood. So now I have a delightful, greatful cook :) For cooking (once a day), the going rate here is Rupees 1000/- She can repay me in three months! And I am realising it's nice to have someone cook for you sometimes...but sometimes I wonder if our maids aren't underpaid....
I wonder how the maids are paid in other places. How much do you pay for jhadoo-katka/jhadu-poncha? How much for doing the dishes? And how much for live-in help? Are boys paid more than girls? Recently my maids said they want to be paid four hundred rupees per job. What do other bloggers think?? Do you get someone for ironing? (We pay 300/- for ironing around ten articles a day).
Edited to add:
Drivers are paid between Rs.3000/- to 6500/- depending on experience.
Car Cleaners Rs 200 to 500 depending on the size of the car.
Mali (gardener) I pay Rs. 100/- for Sunday visits to trim, turn the soil etc
Jhadu-Poncha Rs. 300/- 400/-
Bathrooms Rs. 50/- to 100/- per bathroom
Dusting Rs. 200/- 300/-
Live in maids Rs 3000/- and above.
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I have been troubled by this message on my computer, for past few days, when I attempted to start it: ( ....I knew this was going to happen again when the Computer said, it is "Preparing your Desktop...." while starting. Then you get this error message!
This meant all book marked pages, all settings, saved passwords and user names, Incredimail/Thunderbird/Mozilla Firefox are all like you are using them for the first time- nothing is saved, and nothing can be saved now, until you solve this problem.
At first a restart helped, but the same thing happened again next morning.
For other Vista users, or anybody else who is facing the same problem, the solution was found in Vista Forums, at http://www.vistax64.com/vista-installation-setup/79208-vista-user-profile-not-loaded-correctly.html
AND THE SOLUTION,
Go to Computer - Vista C- Right Click - Choose Properties - Tools - Check Now - Scan for and attempt recovery of bad sectors- Choose Start and wait for around half an hour. When it's done, restart your computer. Hopefully it will restart normally :) Mine did.
I have been troubled by this message on my computer, for past few days, when I attempted to start it: ( ....I knew this was going to happen again when the Computer said, it is "Preparing your Desktop...." while starting. Then you get this error message!
This meant all book marked pages, all settings, saved passwords and user names, Incredimail/Thunderbird/Mozilla Firefox are all like you are using them for the first time- nothing is saved, and nothing can be saved now, until you solve this problem.
At first a restart helped, but the same thing happened again next morning.
For other Vista users, or anybody else who is facing the same problem, the solution was found in Vista Forums, at http://www.vistax64.com/vista-installation-setup/79208-vista-user-profile-not-loaded-correctly.html
AND THE SOLUTION,
Go to Computer - Vista C- Right Click - Choose Properties - Tools - Check Now - Scan for and attempt recovery of bad sectors- Choose Start and wait for around half an hour. When it's done, restart your computer. Hopefully it will restart normally :) Mine did.
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And the lyrics and some more information can be found here and here.
These comments on YouTube express how I felt.
ssahaisaurabh (3 days ago)